I am relieved
by CloudRock
Summary: How I wanted Endgame to end


**I Am Relieved**

**Earth Date 2378 – 13.00hrs**

It was seven weeks to the day that Tom Paris had, surprisingly with Starfleet's approval, gently landed Voyager on the lawn of Starfleet Headquarters. Seven weeks of medicals, debriefings, enquiries and the entire crew trying to get their land legs back. They had been quarantined on the campus, their relatives had been allowed to visit but they had been confined to the campus grounds until the debriefings were over.

Now all 147 members of the lost starship were gathered in the Great Hall for the recommendations, the commendations, the promotions. It had been a long two hours and the natives were beginning to feel restless. They were restless with anticipation, all, to a man were waiting to see what was going to happen to their Captain.

The President of Starfleet rose and moved to the front of the podium. He looked up at the sea of faces and finding the one he wanted he said "Captain Janeway"

Kathryn stood up and without looking at her crew moved to the aisle, down the stairs then made her way to stand in front of the President with her back to her crew. Giving him a perfectly executed salute she waited.

"Captain Janeway for seven years you have led and commanded the vessel and crew of the Starship Voyager, it is now the moment for you to be relieved of that command...the vessel will for the next six months be under intense forensic scrutiny and will therefore be under the commander of the Fleet's best science officer" he turned his head "Lt Commander Data?"

Both Janeway and the President turned as the Android made his way to the podium. Data looked down at the small woman "Captain Janeway...You are relieved"

Janeway held out her hand "Lt Commander...I am relieved"

From his seat Chakotay saw the crooked smile touch Janeway's lips as she shook hands with the officer who was taking over her ship and he frowned. This wasn't the moment to smile. Kathryn Janeway knew protocol better than that. What the hell was she smiling at?

When Janeway went to follow Data back to the auditorium seats the President stopped her with "Captain Janeway, front and centre"

With a frown she turned back and stood in front of the President, a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. This was not how it was meant to be.

"Fellow officers" his deep voice resonated around the large hall "Ladies, gentlemen and...Captain's Special Assistant" a small smile touched his lips when he heard Naomi's startled gasp

The President gave Janeway a long searching look and when he saw the scowl on her face took a breath.

"We at Starfleet have much to thank both Captain Janeway and the entire crew of the Starship Voyager for. Much of which has already been covered today so I won't bore you with any of that" he waited for the sniggering to stop then continued

"Many of you, possibly all of you, and I include the admirals behind me have been waiting with anticipation of this moment"

He didn't have to expand or explain. Everyone was waiting for Captain Kathryn Janeway to be promoted to Admiral.

"However this moment is not quite what we were all expecting" he didn't look at Janeway, he knew she was giving him the death glare. This was not how it was supposed to have been. He continued "Least of all Kathryn Janeway" still avoiding her look he took another breath "It is with regret that I have to announce that the intrepid captain will not be promoted to admiral"

The crowd were in uproar. Again the President waited. The crew took their lead, as always from their captain and when they saw that she had not moved an inch they settled down.

"I am unable to announce the promotion of the Captain because Kathryn Janeway has resigned from Starfleet with immediate effect"

This was greeted with stunned silence. No one, least of all Voyager's First Officer was expecting this.

Into the silence the President spoke "It is with regret, both professional and personal that I and Starfleet accept that resignation. We have tried to persuade Kathryn to change her mind but you" he looked at the crew "know better than I what a futile attempt that was" he met Kathryn's indignant glare "And now just to completely tick you off.." he glanced up at the crew again "She's giving me the death glare...On behalf of Starfleet and the Federation I am honoured to award you the Medal of Honour and all our sincerest best wishes for whatever you do in the future"

**15.00hrs**

The _End of the Voyage _party, as Tom had named it, was being held in the docking bay where Voyager now rested. Although the crew were in jubilant spirits it was somewhat tempered by their captain's unexpected resignation. They were all sad with the exception of three people. Both the Doctor and little Naomi simply shrugged and said the Captain was tired.

Chakotay on the other hand was angry; in fact he was red mist furious. What the hell was wrong with the woman? This wasn't the Kathryn Janeway he had come to know over seven years. His frown deepened, okay for the last few months of their journey they had grown apart, weren't so close, distant even. But still, resignation had never been on the cards. Never been mentioned. His eyes narrowed. Had it? There was a sudden stir in the crowd and when he turned he saw Kathryn walk in and his breath caught.

It wasn't Captain Janeway who walked through the turbo doors. Not in uniform she wore a blue dress. A dress he hadn't seen in over five years. In the last seven weeks her hair had grown and instead of the sculptured bob, or even the bun she had worn that morning, her auburn hair brushed her shoulders. For the first time in five years he saw a relaxed Kathryn Janeway. And if he wasn't so angry with her he would have smiled, walked up, taken her hand and placed it in the crook of his arm like he always used to do. And then he became angry again, he hadn't done that since Quarra.

From his place he watched Janeway weave her way through the crowd, whispering, smiling, laughing. Having long and short conversations until finally she stood a bare few feet from him talking to Naomi and Samantha. He knew that she was aware of him, he also knew that she was aware that he wasn't very happy and doing what she always did, she ignored him. Like the hell that was going to happen!

"Captain?" Chakotay stepped forward

Slowly Kathryn turned and looked up, a smile touched her lips but didn't reach her eyes "No longer Captain, Chakotay...Just plain Kathryn now"

"So it would appear" he bit out

Kathryn caught the tone but ignored it "Congratulations on your appointment...Professor"

Chakotay ignored her facilitations on his appointment to the University faculty "You're not disappointed that I refused to be re-instated into Starfleet?"

"Disappointed but not surprised...You have been an exceptional First Officer and would make a fine Starfleet Captain, the Federation needs people like you but your wounds are still fresh, you haven't had time to mourn"

He ignored her understanding, her compassion "If you still feel so strongly why have you resigned" he frowned down at her "Why this sudden decision?"

She was confused by his tone "It wasn't sudden"

He ignored her "Did you talk to anyone about...hell you didn't talk to me about it"

"Chakotay..." Kathryn tried to break in

"How the hell can you do this, you give up everything. Everything that was your life and you don't even talk to _me _about it?" he all but yelled and the bay went silent

Kathryn stared at him "So that's what the burr is up your backside...Not that I've made this decision but that I didn't talk to _you_ about it?" now her voice rose "Why the hell would I talk to you about it?"

"Because we talked all major and minor decision through" now he did yell

"Only some...and certainly none that were personal"

"And this damn fool resignation was personal"

"Damn right it was...I have the right to make my own decision on my life just the same as..."

"Captain, Commander" Tom broke in "This is not the..."

"Place to have this discussion" Chakotay bit out "You're damn right...Come on" he grabbed Kathryn's wrist and began to drag here across the bay towards the doors

"Let me go Commander" Kathryn demanded

"You're not my captain anymore, quit with the orders" he spat and before she knew it they out of the doors and heading god knows where

The crew watched their former commander drag their former captain out and none did a thing about it.

"Looks like it could finally happen" mused Tom

"About time" said Harry

"You think?" snorted Belanna "Who would have thought that it would take a simple resignation for Chakotay to finally grow some" she added sarcastically

"Don't know about the growing part" Harry tipped his head "But she had to resign for this to happen" when his friends looked at him as if he had grown two heads he said "Come on...they need a clean page"

"I believe that Mr Kim is trying to say that the Captain and the Commander need to be equal" Seven said with amazing insight.

Janeway didn't catch her breath until he shoved her onto a transporter pad "Chakotay where the hell are you..."

"Shut up" he growled "Just shut up until we get there"

"Get..." the words died as she saw the look on his face

The where seemed to Janeway to be a very plush suite? A suite with a sweeping view of the Golden Gate Bridge but she wasn't about to be distracted by a magnificent view "Why have you brought me here?"

"Because it's time we talked" he stomped to the replicator and ordered two shots of whiskey

Kathryn eyed the glass he held out to her "I don't need a whiskey"

"Stop being so fucking contrary...You need this as much as I do"

As usual the damn man was right. Kathryn snatched it from his hand then downed it in one "Now what?"

Swallowing his shot he looked at her "Now we talk"

"About what?"

"Well firstly...Why the hell have you given up Starfleet? The Fleet is your life. It's what you live by and for"

Kathryn took a breath "It was my life...My whole damn life since the day I was born. Well enough is enough"

"Meaning?"

"Meaning" she juggled the glass "Like I said since the day I was born Starfleet has been my life, well I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore" she turned away from him "For the last seven years I had to be one hundred percent Starfleet...I had to live it, breath it, dream it. I had to give up too much, sacrifice too much" she took a breath "I can't do it anymore. I want my life back"

Kathryn moved to stand by the window "I want to get a life" she said softly

And his anger dissipated "Why didn't you talk to me about this...About how you felt?"

"When I felt I could finally voice my feelings I tried to..."

Chakotay frowned "I don't remember...I would remember"

"I said that I tried to but we...we never had the opportunity"

"Never had the opportunity? Why?"

"Because we stopped having dinner" Kathryn said simply

Chakotay closed his eyes and remembered. They had stopped having dinner after Quarra. He had pulled away, had cancelled their dinners, had asked for rain checks. For four months he had avoided the Captain.

"Kathryn I'm sorry. I..."

"It's alright Chakotay...Perhaps it was just as well. I had the chance to debate the pros and cons without the voice of reason...The voice of caution" a giggle surfaced as she walked over to the replicator "Funny isn't it, you were the renegade I was sent to capture yet you were always the voice of caution, the one who had to haul me back, put a leash on me"

Chakotay watched her get two fresh whiskeys "It was my job to look after you"

"Not so much in those last few months"

"You wouldn't let me" he protested

"You didn't try" Kathryn shot back "For over six years you looked after me then suddenly you stopped...Gave up" she raised the glass to her lips "For a while I wandered why and then I..."

"And then you what?" he picked up his own glass

She took a breath "And then I had other things to worry about...Not having a babysitter was the least of my problems"

He knew that her explanation was true but he also felt she was leaving something out "Was that when the Admiral turned up?"

"Admiral crab face bitch" Kathryn spat out "Yes"

"She was you"

"I freaking hope not!...Not if I have anything to do with it"

"Is that why you've resigned?"

"One way of making sure I don't turn out to be bitter and twisted...well at least not as an admiral...You never know the crab face bitch could surface yet" she turned back to the window "No Chakotay I had made my decision long before she pitched up. Although I..." again she stopped

"Although you what?" he questioned

"Nothing" Kathryn took a sip "So are you satisfied now? My decision was based on careful reasoning, thought long and hard about. It wasn't some knee jerk reaction, it's not some whim" when he didn't answer she turned to look at him and wished that she hadn't.

For the first time that day she was really looking at him. Dressed in dark pants with a loose cream linen shirt that made his bronze skin glow, the man was as gorgeous as ever. She prayed that he wouldn't flash those killer dimples at her. An angry Chakotay was easier to handle than a charming one. "Well?"

He took a sip from the glass. Everything she had said churning round his brain as well as the things the Admiral and Seven had told him. Finally he said "The Admiral spoke to me"

"What?" Kathryn was startled "What did she say?"

"She told me some things"

"She had no right to do that"

"Kathryn the woman had blasted the temporal prime directive out of an airlock...and we went along with it. Given the fact that by simply coming back she changed the timeline, anything she had to say was going to be redundant"

"You don't know that"

"Apart from Tuvak's disease, I do know that" he fixed her with those amazing eyes "I do know that"

"Meaning?"

He went for broke "Meaning her tragic little story about Seven and me is a load of hogwash. I can't believe it was even real in her timeline. I'm fond of Seven but not like a lover...I never could be"

"You couldn't?"

"Spirits Kathryn, Seven is an adolescent. She was like your daughter. She could never be anything else to me"

"But you dated her; you didn't want her to break it off?"

"How the hell do you know that?"

"The Admiral was in the cargo bay"

"Eves dropping nosey old..." Chakotay shook his head "Seven, on the advice of the Doctor was practising her social skills on me. I didn't want her to stop seeing me because she wasn't ready to go out and take on guys who weren't as..."

"As gallant as you" finished Kathryn. She turned back to the window "You were always gallant"

"I wasn't very gallant back in the docking bay" he said drily

"No" she frowned and faced him again "You were angry...very angry. Why?"

"Because I didn't understand why you were giving up Starfleet" then at her raised eyebrow "And possibly because I didn't know"

"Ah...You wanted to have a heads up?"

"Yes...NO!" he stepped forward "I care about you Kathryn, always have, always will. I was angry because this is something I _should_ have known about. I was your best friend"

"Chakotay..."

"No...I was your best friend and I should have known about it. But because I was acting like a hurt puppy I wasn't there for you"

Kathryn saw the self disgust on his face but couldn't understand "Why were you hurt...What did I do to hurt you"

"You didn't do anything" he turned away from her "It was me...When you came back from Quarra those first few days you seemed lost, sad. I wanted to comfort you but I didn't think you wanted comfort from me. I thought you wanted it from someone else...And that hurt me" he thrust a hand through his hair "I pulled away, I thought damn you. You don't need me, you don't want me...I worked on the premise that if I didn't come near you I couldn't hurt anymore. But that was when you needed me most" he turned back to her "You needed me and I wasn't there...That's why I was angry"

"Quarra has a lot to answer for" Kathryn said softly

He frowned "I don't understand"

"Chakotay, you have to believe me I had decided to resign long before Quarra but it was Quarra that made me realise that I was going to do the right thing"

"I still don't understand"

"The relationship with Jaffen brought home to me what I was missing from my life...Being in a loving relationship. Being in Starfleet I would never have that life"

"Yes you could...Others do"

"Others aren't Kathryn Janeway. Yes I can multi-task, but I don't want to multi-task with the man I love. I want that man to be my priority. I don't want him to have to fit in around the latest mission, the next set of negotiations, the next goddamn interstellar war" Kathryn shook her head "Yes if I was younger it would be different. But I'm forty five. I want a job that won't be the be all and end all of my life. I want to have a home, a family...Even if it means because of my age my family are furry and on four legs" she half smiled "I should have known back before the badlands my heartbreak at leaving Molly was a sign"

"Not leaving Mark?"

"Mark was my safety net...We rubbed along. I put up with his scholarly absent mindedness and he coped with my space-capades" she laughed "Hell I think it's only because I was gone two years that he actually noticed I wasn't there"

"So not a great love?"

"Nope"

"Not the great..." he paused then "passion of your life"

"Definitely not"

He sighed "I suppose it was hard for him to compete against Starfleet"

"Starfleet is not the passion of my life" Kathryn snorted

Chakotay caught the tense, is not was "So who is?"

"What?"

"Who is the passion of your life?"

Seven months ago, even just over seven weeks ago she could have answered that question easily, but now she wasn't so sure. She had thought that her Angry Warrior hadn't waited for her but just because the whole Seven debacle was just etiquette classes it didn't mean that he was hers. Yeah he was doing the whole hurt puppy thing, the I should have been there for you thing. But that didn't mean he loved her.

When she didn't answer Chakotay tried another tack "When did you decide to resign Kathryn?"

Okay nor more sitting on the fence "Earth date 2373"

"Was that before or after New Earth?"

She took a breath "During"

Chakotay felt his heart start to race "Before or after the tale of the Angry Warrior?"

"During"

He took slow even breaths "In 2371 I fell in lust with a woman who stranded me in the Delta Quadrant. In 2373 I realised that that lust had turned in to love when I sheltered that same woman during a thunder storm. In 2378 I let that woman and myself down for a few months but I never stopped loving her"

Kathryn closed her eyes barely able to breathe. She felt the glass being taken from her hands.

"I always have and always will love her" she felt his breath on her face "Open your eyes Kathryn...Open your eyes, I need you to see me when I tell you..."

He stopped and she opened her eyes "Tell me what?"

"I love you" he watched her beautiful eyes widen and waited

"I love you" there she finally said the words that she had been hiding for years

"I am relieved" and he gave her that dynamite dimpled smile when she raised an eyebrow "To finally hear those words" and then he lowered his head and words weren't needed.

**20.00hrs**

"So you didn't make love with Jaffen" It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"I told you it was a long time" Kathryn traced a finger through the light sprinkling of hair on his chest "I didn't make love or have sex of any sort with Jaffen...Or anyone else for seven freaking years!"

"Why?" he smoothed a hand down her naked back

"Because I don't do casual sex...I have to care for the person and the only person I cared enough about I couldn't have"

"I know that one" he said ruefully

"I can't believe you said that" Kathryn snorted and raised herself up "How can you say that?"

"Because I can...I was in the same boat as you"

"Chakotay! There are a litany of women you've had over the last seven years"

"No there's not" he denied

"Oh yeah. What about Seska, or Killin, what's her name on Vero and not to mention Seven"

Chakotay looked at her patiently "Okay in reverse order. Seven and I had three dates and it was only on the third that we actually kissed. Well sort of" he pulled a face "She sort of lunged, I evaded and I think she caught the edge of my lip"

Kathryn stifled another snort and waited

"Teera, the what's her name on Vero was an _escort_ hired by our host to make our visit memorable" at Kathryn's wide eyes said "And when she found out that I didn't even want to kiss her she still demanded that I pretend that we had done..well you know so that she would get paid" he shrugged "What's a man to do? I mean that's how she earned her living"

"Still Mr Gallant" Kathryn shook her head

"As for Killin...That wasn't me Kathryn, she invaded my body and wove her fantasies. Me, Chakotay had nothing to do that...Just like you and Jaffen"

"Okay I concede that one...Seska?"

"Seska was my lover right up until the day you destroyed the array"

"What? You mean you didn't..."

"Apart from the fact that you made me your First Officer and stressed the non fraternisation thing, I told you I fell in lust with you. I couldn't even think about doing anything with Seska let alone _that_"

"God, no wonder she was always pissed"

"What?"

"Well" Kathryn stretched "Having just experienced your outstanding skills Mr Chakotay for a good few hours I can understand her...frustration" and she giggled

He chuckled "I'll take that as a compliment" then he looked at her seriously "Kathryn, if I couldn't have you I didn't want anyone"

She traced his tattoo with a finger and murmured "I'm sorry"

"For what?"

"For making our lives so ...frustrating" she frowned "There were so many times that I wanted to say the hell with it. The hell with protocol, the hell with Starfleet"

"And what stopped you?"

"I knew, simply knew that the moment we did I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you...And that would have been way too embarrassing"

"Seriously?"

"Chakotay for over four hours I haven't been able to keep my hands off of you. In fact I still can't" and she smooth hand over his hip

He grinned then rolled her under him "I felt the same way too" Chakotay kissed her neck "I feel the same way too"


End file.
